Nursing Student Breakdown

Thats right, I had a breakdown in school today. I had my first clinical in the mother/baby ward today, now for most people this would be a very happy segment, not really sick people, cute, cuddly warm pink babies, everyone is happy. Right? Well, I went in with positive thoughts and only made it about one hour before I lost it. {Enter Explanation here...}

When I was hospitalized this past October, my Endocrinologist, Pulmonologist, and Family Practice Doctors all informed me that with all my history and the development of the PE's, children were not going to be an option. Dan and I had discussed this in the hospital and we were both ok. We understood our options were much more limited now. On December 20th, I went to the GYN for my annual and she asked why I was no longer on my Birth control, was I trying to get pregnant? I told her about what happened in October and why I was no longer taking it, she said "well, I guess we'll have to figure out something a little more permanent." We sat and talked about other options such as IUD or getting my tubes tied. Initially she was pushing the IUD, with comments such as "it's only a temporary fix, needs to be changed every 5 years and you don't know what could occur in 5 years, if they find a cure of diabetes...." I then reminded her in 5 years I would be facing 35 years old, and although that isn't old, it's another major step with pregnancy risks. We talked some more and she informed me that although it is possible for me to carry a pregnancy to full term and have a healthy baby, it is highly unlikely that I will. I have so much history that she strongly urges me not to get pregnant. The diabetes was enough a risk, but the PE's were a nail in the coffin, as pregnancy itself is a clotting risk. We discussed the possibility of harvesting my own eggs for the possibility of a surragate mother, the doc informed me that yes this is possible, but very very expensive with less ratio of success. That if it were her, she would put her money into adoption, at least then you a guaranteed a child.

That day I left her office, kinda numb. Then I got home, Dan and I started to talk and I cried, and cried, and cried. I mourned the fact that I was getting married and I'd never be able to have children and give Dan children. He was so sweet...."it's ok baby, we can always adopt. It doesn't matter if you're pregnant or not, it'll still be our baby, I don't want anything to happen to you, I can't lose you" Life carried on and I was fine, or so I thought.....

{} Then I showed up on the Mother/Baby unit today for clinical. As I watched a new daddy carry his little girl to the nursery after birth, and the nursing staff care for that darling little girl, I lost it. Tears ran solidly down my face and I couldn't stop. (One of my classmates knew and understood what I was going through, she and I became close right from the get go and she knew. ) She pulled me aside and the instructor wanted to know what was going on. All the feelings that I thought I had gotten through, came flooding forward and I have been a basket case all day. I managed to pull myself together and get through the day and the instructor informed me that I havne't grieved for myself yet and this could happen again because those feeling continue. But, she did inform me that she'd work with me and do what she could. She asked if I wanted to skip the day in the nursery and just do post partem work. I said no, but be ready to move me if for some reason I had another meltdown.

I guess I haven't gone through all the emotions and from what I see it's going to take sometime. So, I blog to get my feelings out. I'm sitting here on my couch, feeling sorry for myself, but letting the grief out through tears. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Also, a prayer to Joe, Dan's best man, his father passed away Sunday night after a battle with colon cancer.

To a happier blog..................