it gets better

First off, thanks for all the love!!!

Second, today was a wonderful day. I was a bit apprehensive as I headed to the hospital today, but I had a wonderful patient. She was my age, literally, 2 days different...had twins via C-section on Tuesay and the babies were in the special care nursery....they needed a little bit more TLC before they were free. But anyways....my patient was awesome, she was very open and willing to talk to me and willing to let me learn. She also opened up to me about how she felt about her beautiful baby girls. I took care of mom all morning and watched as her husband helped her....then I took her to the nursery and got to watch the new parents with their babies.

I guess between having such a good patient today and all your words of wisdom, I found a form of peace. I'm not completely healed, but I felt better.

And, on a side note....my INBOXspiration for the day today is....

"Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do!" John Wooden

I took this along with what all of you said, that just because I cannot carry a child, doesnt' mean that I won't be be a fabulous parent someday....right?????????

Also, side note...Dawn's official last day at work is April 15th, which means, April 12th is really gonna be it....which just also happens to be GNO!!! I say big Congratulatory party for the Dawniepie!!!!

Nursing Student Breakdown

Thats right, I had a breakdown in school today. I had my first clinical in the mother/baby ward today, now for most people this would be a very happy segment, not really sick people, cute, cuddly warm pink babies, everyone is happy. Right? Well, I went in with positive thoughts and only made it about one hour before I lost it. {Enter Explanation here...}

When I was hospitalized this past October, my Endocrinologist, Pulmonologist, and Family Practice Doctors all informed me that with all my history and the development of the PE's, children were not going to be an option. Dan and I had discussed this in the hospital and we were both ok. We understood our options were much more limited now. On December 20th, I went to the GYN for my annual and she asked why I was no longer on my Birth control, was I trying to get pregnant? I told her about what happened in October and why I was no longer taking it, she said "well, I guess we'll have to figure out something a little more permanent." We sat and talked about other options such as IUD or getting my tubes tied. Initially she was pushing the IUD, with comments such as "it's only a temporary fix, needs to be changed every 5 years and you don't know what could occur in 5 years, if they find a cure of diabetes...." I then reminded her in 5 years I would be facing 35 years old, and although that isn't old, it's another major step with pregnancy risks. We talked some more and she informed me that although it is possible for me to carry a pregnancy to full term and have a healthy baby, it is highly unlikely that I will. I have so much history that she strongly urges me not to get pregnant. The diabetes was enough a risk, but the PE's were a nail in the coffin, as pregnancy itself is a clotting risk. We discussed the possibility of harvesting my own eggs for the possibility of a surragate mother, the doc informed me that yes this is possible, but very very expensive with less ratio of success. That if it were her, she would put her money into adoption, at least then you a guaranteed a child.

That day I left her office, kinda numb. Then I got home, Dan and I started to talk and I cried, and cried, and cried. I mourned the fact that I was getting married and I'd never be able to have children and give Dan children. He was so sweet...."it's ok baby, we can always adopt. It doesn't matter if you're pregnant or not, it'll still be our baby, I don't want anything to happen to you, I can't lose you" Life carried on and I was fine, or so I thought.....

{} Then I showed up on the Mother/Baby unit today for clinical. As I watched a new daddy carry his little girl to the nursery after birth, and the nursing staff care for that darling little girl, I lost it. Tears ran solidly down my face and I couldn't stop. (One of my classmates knew and understood what I was going through, she and I became close right from the get go and she knew. ) She pulled me aside and the instructor wanted to know what was going on. All the feelings that I thought I had gotten through, came flooding forward and I have been a basket case all day. I managed to pull myself together and get through the day and the instructor informed me that I havne't grieved for myself yet and this could happen again because those feeling continue. But, she did inform me that she'd work with me and do what she could. She asked if I wanted to skip the day in the nursery and just do post partem work. I said no, but be ready to move me if for some reason I had another meltdown.

I guess I haven't gone through all the emotions and from what I see it's going to take sometime. So, I blog to get my feelings out. I'm sitting here on my couch, feeling sorry for myself, but letting the grief out through tears. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Also, a prayer to Joe, Dan's best man, his father passed away Sunday night after a battle with colon cancer.

To a happier blog..................

my oh my

School is truly in full swing, so much so that of 4 modules, I'm already done with two!!! I did very well on last test, which brought my grade up, I had been hovering with a low B high C and was content, yet a little nervous that I wasn't going to have that edge! I like to have a little cushion to pad myself that way when I feel lazy around finals, I don't have to work nearly so hard, you know? Like last semester when I walked into the final knowing I needed an 11 to pass the class and a 42 for a B. I really didn't study all that hard!!! I'm embarking into a new section tomorrow, MOther/baby. Not my favorite area. I'm truly hopeing that I will find a new love for the art of nursing to the mother/baby population. Currently, not my bag. Lets see how it goes!!!

Wedding plans are forming, I think I finally got all my Save the Dates out....if you didn't receive one or yours was mangled in the mail, please let me know I have a few leftover and will gladly send you a new one.

I hear congrats are due to some of my fellow Ryan Family members who will be tying the knot in '09 just like me....Andy Ryan, Ray Feeney, Mary Kay Feeney, and Ryan Feeney. Congrats to all. I hear so far 09 will be our biggest wedding year yet!!!

Thats all for now folks....I'm praying that the calls for snow tomorrow aren't really true, that actually it's going to stay 50 degrees!!! I can dream right?

snow....yuck!

Well, well, well....it's been a while.

I'm back in the full swing of school and quite honestly it's very very overwhelming!!! They say this semester is the hardest of all 4 and I'm beginning to agree. I was very stressed the first week. I guess I wasn't quite ready to go back! But, now I think I've got the hang of things.

Today I was hoping and praying for a snow day, actually had myself so psyched up that I would have the day off, when I woke up and saw absolutely no snow....I was very upset. So, I bundled up and headed out to Alexian Brothers in Elk Grove because I had clinical this am at 7. As I drove, the rain continued to pelt down and freeze, snow began and the roads were awful. I got to AMBC about 630, sat and had some coffee and tried to relax for it had been a very stressful drive. People feel the need to be #^$holes when the weather is no good, I had about 3 very close calls. All three people decided they wanted to pass the semi and didn't realize I was in the lane next to them. I was almost side swiped twice, then almost rear-ended! Very stressful day. Then about 830am my clinical instructor notified us that Harper closed the campus for the rest of the day and we would be free to go at 11. Just in time to drive home in the crappy weather. Needless to say it took me about an hour and a half to get home, normally a 35 min drive at that time of day...but no close calls. Thank God.

Went and saw Jersey Boys this weekend and it was absolutely wonderful! Better than I expected. I'd like to go back again, and I'd like to take Dan with me, I truly think he'd enjoy the show.

Movie update....saw PS I love you with mom and Dawn a couple weeks ago, it was a wonderful story! I'll be buying that one for my personal collection. Dan and I had a couple date nights, we discovered the REd Robin, great burgers, not good for a diet! But good food. We also ventured to the movies and saw, No Country for Old Men and 27 Dresses. Loved the second, can't say I truly enjoyed or understood the first!

I bought my wedding dress! I love it!

Thats all for now....I'm off to bed, school and work this weekend!

ONE YEAR!!!!!!!

One year til my wedding!!!!!!!!! Yesterday, I found the perfect dress! I thought I had found it earlier, but then I found this one and it's even better!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going back on Monday afternoon to actually buy it. I'm so excited!! It feels more real now as I've hit the year mark and found my dress.

Where does the time go????

Well....here I am again. I wonder where the time rolls away too. It seems as though just yesterday I was finishing my semester and now we're through the holidays, and getting ready to roll into another semester! I start school again on the 22nd, and it's going to be a very very busy semester.

New year, new me right? Right!! I just signed up for the shamrock shuffle 5K walk. I opted for the walk because I know that if I worked my hardest, I don 't know that I could do a 8K run by March 3oth. So...thats ok. I don't mind walking again this year. I also started Weight Watchers today. I have been mulling it over for a while now, and finally I saw a girl at work and all of the sudden I swear she looked half her size!! I said "Monica, have you lost weight? and How much have you lost??" When she responded with 27 pounds, and Weight Watchers, I decided that was it. Maybe I need that weekly reminder and push to do what I need to do. Maybe that weekly meeting will force me with the follow through that I tend to fail so miserably at after about 2 months. I get going really well into the gym, then you take a week off and it's all down hill from there. I can do really well on counting calories and or limited fat and such for about 2 months, then I just give up....fall off the band wagon. Maybe by meeting with other people and forcing myself to truly look at portion sizes, I'll be able to make it work this time. I've got to do somthing. I'm tired of being fat. I want to look fabulous in my wedding gown!!!!! Dan's doing it with me, so that's a huge help. We can support each other in going to the gym and making proper food choices.

Also, we both joing the Ryan Family Biggest Losers.....yeah baby!!!!!!!! Last year I had a pretty good start, I was actully doing really really well.....then it all fell through, we all kinda gave up. Hmmm..........

Settled

We're finally settled in. Thank God!!! We spent this last weekend cleaning and organizing the last of the stuff. Finally I can get rid of some boxes! Yeah!!

I finished school earlier this week with a B in my Nursing class. Off to a pretty good start I'd say. I'm quite content with that grade. Next semester isn't going to be easy at all, but I'm ready for it. What can I say...1 down, 3 to go!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off til Wednesday, but I have to work the New Years Holiday's and the weekend before, so that kinda sucks, I'll have to work 5 days straight, which will pretty much lead to a very cranky lady. Dan is off until January 3rd, so that's a nice break for him.

We were supposed to head to the zoo last night, but we had double booked ourselves, my girfriends 30th birthday was last night, so we headed back up to McHenry to visit with friends. It was a nice night all together.

Today I'm sitting here in my nice clean apartment, baking. I'm trying my hand at irish soda bread. Though it'll never be the same as my Aunt Mary's, I'm hoping for some good results.

We have a date tonight with sone of Dan's old friends, we're meeting all of them in Tinley Park. This has been a whirlwind week already and it's just going to get busier!!! As we head in two different directions tomorrow to spend Christmas eve with both of our families.

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!!

Follow the List!!!

Oh my....Dan had his first solo trip to the grocery store this past weekend. What an experience...I had to work, hence why Dan headed to the store alone. He had a list, a specific list of what to buy, so...how is it we end up with so much "other stuff?" There were three things on that list that I really wanted, then a couple things that we needed. The three major things were....a dish rack, a three or four drawer set to put under counter, and mosticolli noodles. I came home from work at 4am to find the counters and cabinets full. Yet, I don't see my drawer set, and I do find a CASE, full case of tangerines!!! What? Those weren't on the list. Next I open the cabinet to find, not one, but two...5lb bags of flour, 2-5lb bags of sugar, 3 cans of veggies, carrots, mixed and corn! Now mind you, flour was on the list, but only 5 lbs, sugar was not on the list, canned veggies were on the list; corn, green beans, and peas (no carrots or mixed veggies). He had bought not one but two napkin holders. One because it had a hole set, napkin, paper towel holders, and salt and pepper shakers. We have all the other stuff, we just needed a napkin holder!

When Dan woke up the next day, I questioned his shopping motives...His response, "it was on sale, honey!" When I asked where the missing items were, his response was..."the cart was full honey, so I just thought they weren't necessary!" So, I had to remind Dan that we were only two people and bigger isn't always better, and the reason he has a list to follow is so that we can avoid a second trip to the store. Lucky for us, we were able to return all of the unwanted items (except the tangerines) to Meijer, with little hassle and he learned how to follow the list. Hopefully next time will be better.

I know we've all had our days when we've missed that one thing we truly need and we all have days where we buy more than was necessary, but...I thought this was so funny. He was so proud of himself. I'm glad he did the shopping and is learning and I honestly don't think that he purposely screwed up so that he wouldn't have to go back. He's learning to become more independent, because he's never had to be.

New Beginnings

Well, we moved out. We've moved into an apartment in Naperville. Dan was scheduled to move all of his stuff this past weekend 12/1, I had to work, so my plan is to move my stuff next weekend 12/8.

We pretty much beat the snow. All of his stuff was in the apartment right before the snow started, then the downfall occured. They managed to get the truck back in plenty of time and come home on the slick streets. While truck return happend, Dan's mom and I unpacked and organized my new kitchen, and bathrooms.

Unfortunately, I had to work this afternoon at 3pm. Ugh!!! IT took me an hour and a half to get to work!! I was so very tired... I had been up since 730 that morning, and had to work a 12 hour shift!!!! Work went well and I headed out around 330 that morning. Lucky for me the roads were much clearer and I was able to get home in about 30 minutes.

Upon arriving home, my key didn't work!!! I couldn't get in the apartment!!! I had to call Dan and wake him up in order to get in. But, he was actually awake. Why is that? He had set up a carpet picnic....champagne, cheese, apples, crackers!! It was so very sweet, I started to cry, mainly because I was so tired!!!!!! So, I had a glass of wine and a couple crackers and apples, then asked Dan..."ok, can we go to bed now?"

So, we went to bed and then were able to spend a couple hours together on Sunday before I headed back into work.

We get to do it all over again this coming weekend when I get to fill a truck and get all my stuff down to the apartment.

7 years

Ok, lets do a quick catch up....

Thanskgiving was wonderful like always. Lots of bodies in the Karner household, too much food, good times.

7th annual Ryan Pub Crawl...can you believe we've been doing this for seven years already??? Wow!!!! Once again, a great time had by all, and, I was stone sober the entire night! This may have been our biggest crawling crowd yet.....pictures to follow later....

My health, the pulmonoligist said I'm looking good. I feel good. My last INR last Tuesday was 3! The upper level of the range they want me in, but still good. Yeah!!!!!! I go to the hemagologist on the 6th, but so far, all the tests have come up negative.

School, busy as ever....1 project, 2 tests, 5 clinicals and one final until I'm done for the semester December 17th!! Then I have a wonderfully long month off, which I know will fly by, because that's how things work. But, I look at is as I'm 1/4 of the way through with nursing school....Thank God!!

Work....nothing new to report. I'm back to 12 hour shifts. They could not accomidate me with 8 hour shifts. They informed me they were heavily saturated and couldn't "create" the hours I needed, but if I wanted to lower my FTE (hours per week I work) that we could do. Whatever....I'm doing it. I've requested an 11am-11pm weekend program, working every Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That way, although I'll have to work every weekend, I'll at least get a decent amount of sleep every night.

Dan and I are moving next weekend!!! Yeah~!!! He's moving all of his stuff on Saturday December 1st, because I have to work that weekend, I'm going to move just the essentials that weekend and I'm going to rent the truck and move the bulk of my stuff on Saturday December 8th. I'm so excited though. It's truly been hard for me to have to say goodbye, knowing I won't see him for a week or longer.

Thats all that's new around here.....

Rough week

It's been a horrible week. I returned to work this week at a decreased pace. Per the doctors, they only want me to work 8 hour shifts, so I can give my body a rest. Ok. I told this to my boss while I was in the hospital, he said they'd work with me. I'm still putting in the same amount of hours, 72 hours per pay period, which equals to 4-8 hour shifts one week and 5 the next. SHouldn't be too difficult right??? WRONG!!! This week, I only worked 24 hours and as of Thursday they still haven't figured out my hours. Now they're suggesting that I work all my originally scheduled shifts, just cut them down by 4 hours each. OK, but I still need one or two extra shifts per week in order to make it work. Now the suggesstion is that I drive in for 4 hour shifts , well, I would need 4 of those per week to make that work. Thats and awful lot of driving!!! Oh, poo....someday we'll get this figured out. If I could cut down my hours I would, but my benefits and scholarship are dependent on my hourly commitment.

On the good side, Dan and I are moving. We got ourselves an apartment, in Naperville. I know this seems far away, but it's really a halfway point between both of our jobs. Until he's willing to move to a job further north, that's where we settle. But, we are moving in the first week of december! Yeah!!!!

Marty celebrated his 25th birthday this past Thursday 11-8. Ralph will be 56 on 11-13, and Dawniepie will be 26, big party in the city for Dawn's bday!!!

I spent the past two weekends with Dan's family, it's been very nice. School is going well, I'm just getting excited to end the semester. Next semester isn't going to be easier at all, it's going to be very difficult, but hell..I can do it!!!!

My blood work has been all over the map again. Thursday my INR was 6.6, technically a critical level!!! No coumadin Thursday or Friday, Start again Saturday, blood work Tuesday! Well, thats all for now!!!

Ugh!!

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!!

I had to get up today and drive to Harper to take my oral meds test. Not a big deal. I just had to prove that I could look up medications, check they were ok, and administer the meds without killing the patient. Honestly, I had absolutely no worries about it at all!!!! Until I got there, the girl in front of me was pacing because she wasnt' so sure she passed. She was told to wait in the hallway until they could check things out, I listened to her story and started to worry because I would have done exactly what she would have done!!! Then, I took my test. No problems, I passed, I'm done and now I can actually pass oral meds to my patients when I'm at clinical! Yeah!!!

But, I'm irritated with the school. You see, last week while I was in the hospital, I missed 1 class, 1 lab, and 2 clinical dates. This week, I also missed clinical, per doctors order. I had asked what I could do to make up the time so that I didn't get too far behind and such. All I was told was to stay up on my reading so that I didn't get behind there. So, today right before I started my exam, I was given a piece of paper with a make up assignment. To make up the 4 hour lab time I missed while in the hospital. I have to go in on my own time and watch 3 dvd's about patient communication. I then have to write a paper on what I watched, ok no big deal, except...it's due Monday!!! I also have a test Monday morning. I just wished they had given me a smidge more time to catch up....but....I'll just have to get it done. I'm also going to have to make up 12 hours of clinical time....at $30 each section, so $120 total. Trust me, it just doesn't pay to get sick and spend a week in the hospital. It's not worth the effort!!!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful night and the ghost's and goblins stay away!!!!

will it ever be right?

Went for blood work today, got a phone call about 2 hours ago. INR is 5.8!!! Way too high. They want me between 2 and 3! So, no coumadin tonight or tomorrow. More blood work on Thursday, which throws a little bit of a cramp in my style.

You see, since I'm on the road to recovery, I decided to head to Dan's Wednesday afternoon after my Medication test at school. Now, I have to delay that decision and head down a day later. Not too big of a deal, just less time with Dan. Oh well....we're used to it right? :)

Happy day to all of you!!!!

Success....and Health??/

To all of you who made it to the party for my parents this weekend, Thank you so much. Dawn did a wonderful job pulling it all together. I felt horrible, for I was stuck and there just wasn't much I could possibly do to help. I think we really got my parents, they truly weren't expecting the party. It was lots of fun, but by the end of the night, I was absolutely exhausted!!!!

As some of you know, I was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon around 1230. INR 3.25...too high!!! UGH!!! They were going to try to keep me, but, finally they decided that if they tried to get the numbers exact, I could be there for another week and that was just silly!!

So, they released me with a Coumadin dose of 7mg per day. I head back for another INR test tomorrow.

I had made appointments for wedding dress shopping and wasn't sure if I was actually going to make it because I was so tired. But, we did it. Mom, Dawn, Dan's Mom, Dan's Grandma and I headed out to House of Brides and Davids. I did find a gown I love, and I look really pretty in it :) Also, although it's early, we found a gorgeous dress for the girls...Dawnie tried it on and looked fabulous!!! Here's the catch....it's going out of style. Go figure!!! But, I figured that it's a very simple dress that should be easy to alter if needed. If all the girls like it....fabulous!!! If not, oh well, we start all over again, in the beginning of the year.

Headed back to school today. I tell you, I'm having a very hard time with this light duty stuff and trying to slow down. It's a tough recovery. I get winded walking from the car to the classroom, and I removed all the heavy books because I'm on light duty restrictions...no more then 15 pounds!!! I want to do more, but I get tired really easily. But next week I can go back full force. Funny isn't it? I never thought it would really hit me this hard. The doctor told me that my body had gone through a horrible stress and it would hit me even harder when I got home. That's true. I mean, I understood what a stress my body went through, but I didn't think it would be this tiring when I got home!!!

updates

Thursday's INR 1.6, biggest jump yet. Dr. Fischer says....I think perhaps you can go home tomorrow. Dr. Amin..."nope, perhaps Saturday!" So.....here I lay. Thursday's coumadin dose 9mg.

Saw a hemotologist on Thursday as well, the same one dad sees. He's running some tests, not all th e possible tests because I'm currently on anti-coagulants, so I could have skewed results. Point of the hemotologist is to see if there is a clotting disorder that may be to blame for these clots, more then just the birth control pill and smoking. Eitherway, both of those behaviors have stopped and will never occur again.

Friday....INR 2.1 YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still in hospital, Dr. Amin's pretty positive to get me out of here tomorrow morning. Some test results are back. I am negative for Factor V Leiden, and the lupus anticoagulants. That doesn't mean I don't have Lupus. They're still going to test for that. THere are a whole slew of blood tests out there being run, and I'll meet with the hemotologist sometime next week to discuss all the results. They'll run another test later for antithrombin III, this is a clotting disorder that my uncle suffers from, but they can't run it while I'm on heparin. So sometime next week they'll take care of it.

Thats it in a nutshell. I can't wait to get out of here.

INR 1.25, Coumadin dose tonight 7mg, hopes of getting out tomorrow...totally demolished.

Per Dr. Amin, pulmonologist, yesterday's pain and today's windedness, were/are the clots spasming. New funky bruise....to be watched, make sure it doesn't grow any larger. I know the heparin causes bleeding and bruising, but this bruise is in such a funny spot, I wasn't really sure what it was! He said normally 5 days on IV heparin...."but you're taking so long, perhaps 7-8 days for you!" Damn, I said. PTT levels stabilized, so my dose of Heparin is actually less. I'm on 1500 units/hour. I've been on 1600 from Sunday until early this morning.

They want the coumadin level to be abut 2.5 for 48 hours!!! So, Not only do I have to reach that level, I have to then maintain it for 48 hours! So If by chance of luck I manage to double the coumadin dose by tomorrow, I'll be out on Saturday.

I'm off work next week as well. School, the doc and I came to an agreement....I can attend lecture, but no clinicals. He wants me to not be sedentary, but to take it easy next week as well and go from there. He said, if I take it easy, I'll be a little less likely for re-occurance. So, I said...OK. I'll take next week off. My boss was totally cool and he said he'd work with me with coming off the 12 hour shifts, so....thats it in a nutshell.

not much for new news

Well, It's now Wednesday, I haven't yet see the pulmonologist or family practice docs today. They must all take Wednesdays off!!!

They had to change the Heparine dose again. They've lowered it this time, so therefore, I get more blood draws! Oh joy! They have to have two consecutive levels every six hours adjust the heparin level. Now I just have to wait and hope. My next draw will be around 730 this evening. Lets hope its the same at the 130 this afternoon draw. I have't heard what my INR was today, then again, I keep forgetting to ask!

Yesterday was a tough day. Around 230 in the afternoon, I had a very sharp pain in the right side of my chest and experienced SOB, the doctor happened to be there at that time. My ECG was normal, but my O2 saturation was low again and my blood pressure went up. So, they sent me for a third CT scan. The results of this scan showed no difference from Monday's scan, which showed approximately 70% of the clots were gone. So now my question is why aren't more of the clots dissappearing?? What is going on with my body??

Today, I found a very strange bruise with a lump on my upper left arm very near to my armpit. I informed the nurse, but havne't heard from the doc yet. I've been quite tired today and get worn out easily. I cleaned myself up and washed my hair, and was just pooped! I feel like I get winded easily. I've been taking my laps around the nurses station and just watching everything I'm doing. Today I've been attempting to study. I'm getting some reading done, but not enough. You would think the situation would be ideal, but it's really noisy, the staff keeps on coming in to ask more and more questions, and I'm drinking so much water in order to flush all the CT contrast dye out of my system in order to not have kidney problems, that I'm peeing all the time!!!! If I receive much more contrast, I'm going to be glowing like one of those glow necklaces you get at a carnival!!! My blood sugars have been pretty good, which is a good thing, at least one thing is starting to work in my favor!!!!

I've had lots of visitors and lots of love. There is no shortage of love and prayers which I am forever grateful for. Thanks everyone for your positive thoughts and I'm doing my best to get the hell out of here. I'm really miserable!!!

updates..(and a little whining!)

OK, had a repeat CT scan of the lungs tonight, per the nurse, the report said....significantly less clots notices. Now, I was actually discouraged by this because I had that TPA therapy, which was supposed to break the clots and my understanding was they ALL would be gone, not just some of them. Well, they're not. So, now I wait to hear what the pulmonologist has to say. Actually, I was crushed because I thought everything was going to work out perfectly and all the nasty clots would be gone. They also repeated the Echocardiogram, now, here they did find some improvements. I don't know what the exact measurements are supposed to be, but they were half of what they were on Saturday, which the tech said was they were now in the "normal ranges." So, that was good news. Also, my INR, which is a blood clotting ratio level, was tested again today. The doctor started me on Coumadin last night, I had a 5 mg pill. Dr. Fischer informed me that he wants to see my INR level somewhere between 2 and 3 before they can let me go home!! Today the nurse came in and informed me that my INR level wasn't even 1! So, once again it was discouraging news. They upped my Coumadin level to 7 mg tonight in hopes that the higher dosage would get me to the levels I need to be in. All in all, the tests don't seem to be heading in the directions that I want and need them to be in in order for me to go home sooner.

All in all, it was a very very emotional day for me. I think all the news hit me like a Mack truck this afternoon. I was extremely tired all day long, and cried at the drop of a hat. I think the fact that this was truly a "life-threatening" problem, hit me today. After I got the results of the CT, I just cried and cried and cried. Thank God Dan was here, he just sat and held me and let me cry. I then called my mom with the results I had and cried some more. I'm scared. I'm truly scared, I don't really know what to do anymore! I'm doing everything they tell me to do, and I guess I just hoped for faster results than I'm seeing. Please just keep me in your prayers. I'm hoping for some miracles and to be heading home by Thursday.

I'm fine....It's just an anxiety attack.....

WRONG!!!!! No, I was not suffering from sudden onset panic attacks, like I originally thought. It turns out I was really really sick. It started earlier this week. I had a cramp in my left leg. No redness, no swelling, no heat, and I was able to walk on it, all signs that it was just a cramp, literally. Not a clot as I thought. Then Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling a little strange, I felt tachycardic (fast heart rate) and like I couldn't expand my lungs fully. Not short of breath so much, just like I couldn't get a full breath. But, those symptoms went away and I was feeling better. So, I figured I'm beginning to suffer from anxiety attacks. The stress was getting to me.

Saturday night I headed off to work and while I was walking to my car all of about 25 feet, I felt winded. At work, just sitting my heart rate was 120, and really pounding away!!! Finally I had an ecg done and it was normal, just fast. But the Doctor said she didn't like the way I looked and wanted to run some tests...you see, it turned out my heart rate was fast, my respiratory rate was fast and my oxygen saturation was low, and I was pale. After a bit of arguing any stubborness on both sides, the doctor won. I checked myself in. AFter some blood work was run, a chest xray and finally a CT scan of my lungs. It was found that I had multiple bilateral pulmonary emboli....in laymans terms, and the doctors words "lots of blood clots on both sides of my lungs!!!" I was immediately started an heparin, a blood thinner. Then the pulmonologist came in and told me that with my age and the location of the clots, I needed to be more aggressive. They started me on a drug called TPA, it's a clot buster. It breaks the clots up, and can produce bleeding. So, I ended up in the ICU for a night on major blood thinners and major watch. At first they wouldn't let me out of bed at all, then around midnight, they told me I could get up to pee....thank god!!!! Now I'm in a regular room, still on the heparin. I will have IV heparin until at least Wednesday. Thursday is the soonest they'll let me go home. I'll be on coumadin for at least 6 months, then more tests will be run.

So, it's been a whirlwind weekend for me. Hopefully all will be better by next week. I have to talk to the doc, they informed me I have to lower my stress levels. My 12 hour work shifts might be over. I'll probably have to enter the land of normal people and actually work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. That'll most likely work better with school anyways. The school was cool with me so far with all that's involved. So that's a good thing.

Everybody thanks for you prayers, I'm just hanging out at St. Alexius. At least they all know me here, so that makes it easier to deal with some of the stuff. They're extra nice to me. And contrary to popular belief, thus far I have been a wonderful patient. I haven't gotten snotty or mean with anyone...but it's still early! :)

Where does the time go???

OK, now its the middle of October, which to me as student means....once this week is finished, I'm officially half way through my first semester!!! YEAH!!! That's huge, cuz I've been counting this sucker down week by week, it's the only way I can make it through.

Also, all my weddings for the year are finished. Phew.....you don't understand, we had three weddings in six weeks! Last night being the final one. I'll recap....Mary's wedding, lots of fun, once again a Ryan wedding, never a disappointment. Dan was blown away by the Ryan family, yet, he fit right in. Thanks Mary, we had so much fun....I hope you had a wonderful honeymoon.

Last night was definitely a different wedding. It was a Rock and Roll Wedding, where prelude music included such bands as Nine Inch Nails, Iron maiden, Metallica, Disturbed...the groom walked into MOby and the Bride and bridal party to "Don't' Stop Believing!" by Journey. Instead of a framed photo or a guest book, there was a guitar to sign, interesting. The bride wore Chuck Taylor's, which I thought was genious, because she was totally comfy in gym shoes all night long. Never had to worry about when it was acceptable to take off the heels.... All in all it was quite cute! Tough to dance to though, how do you dance to heavy metal? My fiance got quite excited, you see that's his type of music, and I think was a little crushed when both his mother and I said "NO" to Iron Maiden at our own wedding....Whats your vote? Do you agree with me or Dan?

All in all, thank God it's over! Now I'm just back to the grindstone of school and work. You know, I heard on the news today that there are only 71 shopping days left til Christmas....It's not even Halloween yet!!!!!! Oh well, it all gets earlier every year.